Truth be told, I can\u2019t take credit for that headline. Need to give some well-deserved props to the New York Post for dropping this glorious gem:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cTalk of the town: New Yorker probing Jeffrey Toobin for bizarre penis incident on Zoom call\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Apparently, some CNN analyst was caught jackin the beanstalk on a work-related zoom chat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His team was in the middle of some weird election roleplay when he was overcome with an urge to season his meatloaf, forcing the shocked staffers to attend a creepy culinary clinic as Toobin demonstrated his favorite method of tenderizing a tubesteak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDuring the simulation, Osnos had been playing the role of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, Gessen was President Trump, Mayer represented establishment Republicans\u2026 \u2026at one point, there was a break and that\u2019s when sources told Vice they saw Toobin pleasuring himself.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Did a sexy Trump impersonation precede the urge for stimulation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We can only speculate. I\u2019ve also been speculating how to spin this into some sort of lesson. \u201cCover your camera before burping the worm\u201d is so banal. You guys deserve better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I guess I\u2019ll just use this meaty opportunity to talk about my own personal strumpet thumper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you\u2019ve been a peruser of my youtube channel, you\u2019re fully aware that Mindvana girls have a bad habit of grabbing the glorious gland of glee without prior permission.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Youtube viewers are quick to spot this frequent phenomenon and direct 99% of their comments directly at my boner (who finally has his own gmail account).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the age of #metoo, you would assume women would think twice about grabbing my junk while the camera\u2019s rolling. But incident after incident has proven their hubris to be the stuff of legends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But what I find even worse than the forbidden fondling is the repeated ridicule from the boys in blue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Each time I try to report an illegally copped feel, the contemptuous coppers laugh me right out of the station.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But this shouldn\u2019t surprise anyone. It\u2019s been said that in the land of the Matriarchy, the one-eyed snake gets slain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Assault charges aside, you\u2019d think these ladies would be afraid of slicing up their delicate fingers on my razor-sharp beaver cleaver, but no.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The desire to kneel before the holy poker quickly takes over, guiding their hungry hands straight towards my boney cannoli.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Not a single one of them has presented a golden ticket, yet they all feel entitled to a taste of the everlasting gob-dropper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And if I speak out against their grabby behavior, they\u2019ll be quick to inform me that I led them on and that \u201cyour boner is consent enough.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m quite frankly sick of all the victim blaming. But what can you expect from a culture raised on a diet of entitlement, misandry, and toxic femininity?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, taking a page from the book of disgraced pickle tickler Toobin, I took the sanctity of my squinty blowpop into my own hands and started working on a new project from the safe space of my home office.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I really had no choice. In these precarious times, any one of us could fall prey to a covid-laden crotch grab, which, as we all know, is an instant death sentence for someone with pre-existing crotch conditions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
According to the Chicksicle Defense Committee, my safety can only be assured by putting 6 miles of social distance between my donut holder and these depraved death carriers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Anyhoo, since my recent cooties test came back negative, it\u2019s finally safe to share what I\u2019ve been working on. And while I don\u2019t have much to show just yet, I wanna send you a teaser from my new sales video.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can\u2019t spill the beans on the product itself, but I\u2019m 90% certain I\u2019ll be giving it away for fr-ee in the next few weeks (cause I\u2019m jeneris like dat).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(If you have eagle-eyed x-ray vision, you might be able to spot the back end of my semi-legal groper deterrent mounted on the wall. But please don\u2019t rat me out to the local authorities\u2026 If the cops ever see me again, I\u2019ll be forced to play a not-so-friendly game of \u201cwhere\u2019s the little girl.\u201d \u2013 One of my favs. Search for it on youtube).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So without further ado, here\u2019s a quick clip of four fresh-faced gropers who are predictably plotting to grab me by the pu**y plunger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Enjoy\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n