Truth be told, I can’t take credit for that headline. Need to give some well-deserved props to the New York Post for dropping this glorious gem:
“Talk of the town: New Yorker probing Jeffrey Toobin for bizarre penis incident on Zoom call”
Apparently, some CNN analyst was caught jackin the beanstalk on a work-related zoom chat.
His team was in the middle of some weird election roleplay when he was overcome with an urge to season his meatloaf, forcing the shocked staffers to attend a creepy culinary clinic as Toobin demonstrated his favorite method of tenderizing a tubesteak.
“During the simulation, Osnos had been playing the role of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, Gessen was President Trump, Mayer represented establishment Republicans… …at one point, there was a break and that’s when sources told Vice they saw Toobin pleasuring himself.”
Did a sexy Trump impersonation precede the urge for stimulation?
We can only speculate. I’ve also been speculating how to spin this into some sort of lesson. “Cover your camera before burping the worm” is so banal. You guys deserve better.
I guess I’ll just use this meaty opportunity to talk about my own personal strumpet thumper.
If you’ve been a peruser of my youtube channel, you’re fully aware that Mindvana girls have a bad habit of grabbing the glorious gland of glee without prior permission.
Youtube viewers are quick to spot this frequent phenomenon and direct 99% of their comments directly at my boner (who finally has his own gmail account).
In the age of #metoo, you would assume women would think twice about grabbing my junk while the camera’s rolling. But incident after incident has proven their hubris to be the stuff of legends.
But what I find even worse than the forbidden fondling is the repeated ridicule from the boys in blue.
Each time I try to report an illegally copped feel, the contemptuous coppers laugh me right out of the station.
But this shouldn’t surprise anyone. It’s been said that in the land of the Matriarchy, the one-eyed snake gets slain.
Assault charges aside, you’d think these ladies would be afraid of slicing up their delicate fingers on my razor-sharp beaver cleaver, but no.
The desire to kneel before the holy poker quickly takes over, guiding their hungry hands straight towards my boney cannoli.
Not a single one of them has presented a golden ticket, yet they all feel entitled to a taste of the everlasting gob-dropper.
And if I speak out against their grabby behavior, they’ll be quick to inform me that I led them on and that “your boner is consent enough.”
I’m quite frankly sick of all the victim blaming. But what can you expect from a culture raised on a diet of entitlement, misandry, and toxic femininity?
So, taking a page from the book of disgraced pickle tickler Toobin, I took the sanctity of my squinty blowpop into my own hands and started working on a new project from the safe space of my home office.
I really had no choice. In these precarious times, any one of us could fall prey to a covid-laden crotch grab, which, as we all know, is an instant death sentence for someone with pre-existing crotch conditions.
According to the Chicksicle Defense Committee, my safety can only be assured by putting 6 miles of social distance between my donut holder and these depraved death carriers.
Anyhoo, since my recent cooties test came back negative, it’s finally safe to share what I’ve been working on. And while I don’t have much to show just yet, I wanna send you a teaser from my new sales video.
I can’t spill the beans on the product itself, but I’m 90% certain I’ll be giving it away for fr-ee in the next few weeks (cause I’m jeneris like dat).
(If you have eagle-eyed x-ray vision, you might be able to spot the back end of my semi-legal groper deterrent mounted on the wall. But please don’t rat me out to the local authorities… If the cops ever see me again, I’ll be forced to play a not-so-friendly game of “where’s the little girl.” – One of my favs. Search for it on youtube).
So without further ado, here’s a quick clip of four fresh-faced gropers who are predictably plotting to grab me by the pu**y plunger.
Ciao for now,
Youtube: learn hypnosis in nyc