Will this “reframe” save my se-x life?

I sent out a question to the list yesterday to give everyone a chance to practice their reframing skills.

My Russian girl always feels spaced out for a couple of days after we see each other (about every 2 weeks), which makes her a zombie at the office on Mondays.

She recently voiced her concern:

“Baby, I feel weird and this make me worry. Maybe means we are not good for each other?”

So how should I respond? The readers chimed in (some of these submissions are LOLS)…

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well the way to handle this is easy tell her hangover just means you need to rehydrate and if you drink and get one does it ever stop you drinking no so why would you stop seeing me so let her drink lots of water and hypnotize her again – Mark

Baby, I’m just a crazy good Lover who knows how to give you the best sex of your life. And Baby, you know how much I love it when you cook those delicious meals for me. So Baby, for the sake of those delicious meals that you cook for me, ignore this weird feeling and stop worrying. I really don’t want to miss those delicious meals. And remember that no weird feeling has the power to separate us and I mean it. Baby, I think our future children will laugh at me if I tell them this story of how I am trying to make you feel better. -Moonaswar

“Anything new takes time to adjust to, baby.”

[and then moving forward, you can drop in suggestions all weekend long about how great, clear, energized, and fantastic she’ll feel on Monday/Tuesday BECAUSE of what you two did together this weekend. The better she feels, the better the REST of her life gets – including Monday morning when she goes back to work, etc. (while eagerly anticipating next weekend)].

OR

“Maybe it’s a sign we’re TOO good for each other… Damn, you’re right, maybe we should stop feeling so good all the time. Let’s do super boring stuff — you want to watch my neighbor mow his lawn this weekend? Or slowly resent each other over housework? Let’s be a -normal- couple.” [you’ve gotta say this with the right, light-hearted tone to make this work and to keep it from sounding like a serious judgement or actual recommendation.] – David

“No babe, actually it is absolute proof that we ARE good for each other! Think of all the fun we just had! We used a whole lot of energy, which of course means we have to recover. Circus performers don’t work out like that and they need recovery time too. Which of course means you are FU*KING AWESOME! Thanks for being so strong you could give me that!” (Insert big wet kiss and maybe some fondling for effect) – The gray bearded terror in Mexico

We might not be for each other, but you have been made for my di*k babe and you know it. Now kneel and swallow. – Per

Maybe you are right. Maybe we are bad together. OR, maybe we should drink more water as we are dehydrating ourselves and getting crazier than we were. Here, let me help you into the bathroom. – BCJ

BB I luv u. Now show bobs and vagene. Then I give you my 10 foot penes. -Sanjay

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Yes, always demand to see Bob’s vagene. Mandatory first step.

Ok, so there were definitely some good suggestions in the mix. Here’s how I would approach this…

First off, you should clearly define the context: 3 days of marathon se-x wipes her out and she doesn’t like feeling spacey at work. At first it was no big deal, but now it’s starting to concern her.

Next, you define your objective…

I want to allay her fears and make her see the issue either as “no big deal” or a small price to pay for everything that preceded it, especially since it’ll probably continue to happen.

This won’t be difficult because she’s UNSURE and is looking for reassurance that everything is ok. (It’s far more challenging to reframe a solid belief, especially a long-standing one.)

When it comes to reframing, the end goal is getting them to ACCEPT your point of view (or at least realize their own viewpoint is inaccurate), and this often takes multiple attempts – it doesn’t matter how clever your reframe is if they don’t accept it.

And while I’ll often agree with a negative assessment to avoid pushing against resistance (i.e., “Yeah, maybe we’re not good for each other…”), I only do this if they’re attacking me or being snarky/bitchy.

In this case, she was nervous and just wanted some reassurance, so there’s no need to use cocky/funny lines, dismiss her concerns, etc. Like some of our members suggested, I gave her a plausible reason for her Monday hangovers:

“Babe, every time we see each other, it’s like an amazing mini-vacation. And it takes a few days for anyone to feel normal again after a vacation. The good news is that it only takes us a day and a half, max. If it was an entire week, then it might be an issue.”

It’s also useful to throw in a scapegoat that has nothing to do with you, personally.

“And don’t forget, we’re trying to pack in as much fun as we can, so we’re barely sleeping and we’re eating a lot of junk food. So of course we’re gonna feel a little off on Mondays. But next time, instead of all the se-x we can play board games and make sure we’re in bed by 8pm.”

Her reply…

“Baby, yes. You are right. But what is board game?”

Can’t wait to introduce her to Scrabble so I can obliterate her self-esteem. (Is it cheating if your opponent isn’t a native speaker?)

Next time around, I’ll also be sure to give her suggestions to feel alert and refreshed on Mondays (like David suggested) and see if that helps.

And no matter which reframe you choose, the most important thing is the CERTAINTY behind what you’re saying, especially in a dating/relationship context.

In a therapeutic context, it’s often useful to chip away at the person’s unhelpful belief by offering up possibilities, while softening your statements with phrases like, “I’m not totally sure about this, but have you considered blah, blah…” But avoid sounding unsure of yourself when speaking to your girl.

Ok, that wraps it up. I’m off to Miami to gift her with another miserable Monday, courtesy of the hangover-inducing effects of the Loving Obsession Protocol (aka: the Zombifying Protocol).

As far as I’m concerned, this is all long-overdue payback for hacking our election. Sneaky Russians.

Ciao for now,

-Jay

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Twitter: @jaycataldo
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